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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039100">No Children</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rudester_Rudie/pseuds/Rudester_Rudie'>Rudester_Rudie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Not Going Out (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Domestic Violence, F/M, Female on Male Abuse, more tags will be added</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:48:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,015</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24039100</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rudester_Rudie/pseuds/Rudester_Rudie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In an alternate Universe, Lee and Rachel ended up getting married. In an alternate universe, Lucy is alone pining for Lee but not even realising it. In an alternate universe, there are no children.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee/Rachel, Lucy Adams/Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Domestic violence can affect anyone regardless of gender. You are not alone. There is a way out. </p>
<p>https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/<br/>https://www.mankind.org.uk/<br/>https://www.thehotline.org/</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Prologue </p>
<p>Blackmail is an ugly word, that’s the common idea. Unfortunately, Rachel was the kind of woman who wasn’t afraid to sully her mouth with threats like those. Lee knew what she meant, he knew she wouldn’t be afraid of saying it, spilling the beans to Lucy about his emotions and in the process revealing what a selfish and manipulative bastard he was. He had two choices now: Let her go and hope for the best, or play along and guarantee that she won’t ruin anything. </p>
<p>He softly took a hold of her wrist “Rachel, wait.”</p>
<p>“What, what do you want?!” She asked angrily, pulling her arm away.</p>
<p>He sighed “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Sorry?” Rachel smiled at him a bit too gleefully “Could you say that again?”</p>
<p>“Uhm… I’m sorry?” he repeated not even able to look her in the eyes. He had this awful feeling that something was going to happen here if he didn’t stop it now. She cupped his face, forcing him to look at her again.</p>
<p>Her smile now was wide and malicious “Say it again.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.” He wanted to avert his eyes, but he just couldn’t, no matter where he looked, she was there, her horrible grin right in view. Every alarm in his head went off and then she kissed him forcefully. Lee wanted to push her away, wanted to beg her to stop, but he didn’t. Eventually, she let him go and caressed his cheek.</p>
<p>“I love you, Lee.” Rachel purred, looking at him in anticipation.</p>
<p>Lee’s mouth felt so dry, he licked his lips to try and calm himself down, then smiled awkwardly.</p>
<p>“How about you?” The question was asked with impatience and demandingly.</p>
<p>He didn’t know what to respond. It felt like everyone in the restaurant was staring at them. His whole body felt uncomfortably hot, his heart was somehow speeding up but also slowing down at the same time. One of his sweaty hands took Rachel’s hand and he felt a painfully fake smile spread on his face “I… I love you too.”<br/>Lee wondered what could’ve been if he just had let her walk away. Maybe this is better than the humiliation he’d suffer if she opened her mouth and let his secret out. It’s better than the subsequent rejection and the loneliness that would follow. This was better than nothing and he could always leave her at some point. Hopefully.</p>
<p>-A few months later-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lee stood at the altar. This wasn’t supposed to happen at all. Him and Rachel. No. But it was too late to pull back now, wasn’t it? She had somehow managed to dupe him into this, played with him and convinced him that there was no chance Lucy, or anyone for that matter, would want him.<br/>He bought all of this hook, line and sinker, of course, no one would want an emotionally stunted, selfish shithead like him. Rachel told him so. He looked through the audience. Tim was there, of course as his best man and Daisy sat in there as well, smiling, off in her own little world. His father wasn’t here. He said he couldn’t stand Rachel for whatever reason and that he had an eye for trouble. Maybe he should’ve listened to him.</p>
<p>He saw Lucy… Oh, lovely Lucy. She tried to be encouraging by smiling at him, but it didn’t work for Lee. He was convinced that he wasn’t good enough for her to be even looking at him, let alone smiling.</p>
<p>Those were all the people who had come for him. Rachel had more people here. He didn’t know these people very well. They looked incredibly rich and posh. They all looked at him like a zoo animal, maybe to them someone from up north was the closest thing to ‘exotic’ they could imagine.</p>
<p>Then the bride came in. There was no going back.</p>
<p>The priest spoke his piece. Nobody objected. They exchanged rings.</p>
<p>“I do.”</p>
<p>More words.</p>
<p>“I do.”</p>
<p>They kissed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 01.	 There is no punchline</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>There is no punchline anybody can tack on<br/>There are loose ends by the score<br/>What did I come down here for?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Domestic Violence affects anyone, regardless of age, gender or sexuality. Help is out there. You are not alone.<br/>https://ncadv.org/resources<br/>https://www.thehotline.org/<br/>https://mensadviceline.org.uk/</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A lot can happen in three years, that’s something Lee learned the hard way. The honey Moon went by too fast, everything else went by even faster. Afterwards, they had moved to Oxfordshire, a town far away from the flat, from all the people he once used to know… from Lucy. A nice house, he wouldn’t lie, but it didn’t feel like home, he felt like an abductee who had been taken from his place and thrown into a different country. It made him question why he’s even here. When he finds himself questioning his place in the story he’d look over to Rachel and not feel any wiser.</p>
<p>The moon shone in through the open window he was looking out of, the light only interrupted by the occasional cloud covering it. Lee couldn’t sleep; it was tough to sleep here, in a place that felt this cold. He tried to get cosy on the bed he and Rachel shared, and sometimes he’d look over to the body next to him, watched the blankets rise and sink with her movement. She looked so sweet when asleep. She can’t do any damage that way. His gaze wandered through the room, watching bit and pieces of furniture emerge from the shadows, looking monstrous. He got up from the bed, pausing when he heard Rachel moan a bit. But she didn’t do anything else. Lee took a deep breath, trying to calm himself; he always felt like he had to tread carefully. With his arms wrapped around himself, he snuck out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. After making sure, he was safe he turned on the lights and locked the door, then slowly sat on the pristine tile floor, just to breathe as the cold floor underneath his bared legs caused him to shiver a little bit.</p>
<p>Another thing Lee had learned during his three years of marriage was to cherish those rare moments of calmness, without any screaming, objects thrown, or even worse things. Speaking of worse things-</p>
<p>Lee stood up and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked exactly the way he felt: Exhausted. He didn’t know what had changed, he didn’t know what he was supposed to look like at this point. He didn’t even know what he used to look like or used to be like. According to Rachel, he looked like a hopeless case and that he should consider himself lucky to have found anyone willing to put up with his bullshit.</p>
<p>‘I’m lucky’ he thought. He’d be so lonely without Rachel. She loved him, and when he behaved, she was such an angel when he just quietly obeyed. He always did his best for her, sometimes his best just wasn’t good enough though. Lee grabbed the hem of his t-shirt he always slept in and waited for a second, not sure what for. He pulled it up and observed his torso. Bruises. Some were slowly vanishing; others were fresh. He still remembered how he got some of them, but she couldn’t help it, it was his fault, after all, he made her angry. He pulled his shirt down and sat on the tiles again, there was something nice about the cold marble of them pressing against his legs, after what he saw. Moments like these made him think about Lucy. Poor her, he hadn’t spoken to her in ages. Rachel had told him that as a married man he shouldn’t be friends with her. He didn’t question it, no, this made sense to him, everything she said made sense to him. It had to, otherwise, he’d be in trouble. It did suck to be this alone though; it was hard to make friends with the people of Oxfordshire. They all were a bit wary of him, the strange sounding Northerner who quietly followed his wife to all sorts of high-class parties and other events. It felt like My Fair Lady at times and Lee was uncomfortable.</p>
<p>He realised after a while that he should go back to bed; Rachel may be angry if she wakes up and doesn’t see him there. She always wants to know where he is. Seems pointless, he doesn’t get out much these days anyway. Only to get groceries or when Rachel would take him along somewhere, mostly against his will. When he left the bathroom, he could feel her presence. It was always there when she was awake, smothering him and making it hard for him to breathe.</p>
<p>“Where have you been?” Rachel asked innocently. It was too dark to see her, but it felt like she was right in front him, mere inches away “I woke up and you weren’t there.”</p>
<p>“I had to go to the bathroom,” Lee responded quietly, not looking at her.</p>
<p>She didn’t respond right away and he could feel her presence grow even more, until it had filled out the entire house and seemingly drowned him out “For this long though? What were you doing in there?”</p>
<p>“Nothing special.” His heart was beating faster and he didn’t move at all. Was she angry? Would she get angry? What the hell would she do? She turned on the light in the hallway.</p>
<p>“You weren’t phoning anyone were you?” She asked, her expression not betraying any emotions. But he knew her. He knew inside she was constantly looking for a reason to hurt him.</p>
<p>“No, of course not. Why would I?” Lee spoke, his mouth feeling dry “I just had to use the bathroom Rachel, that’s all.” It did feel like he was underwater now and she was walking toward him, Rachel’s sly smirk seemed similar to a shark baring all of its teeth.</p>
<p>She giggled “Of course, I’m not fucking stupid. Gosh, stop being so sensitive.”</p>
<p>Lee forced himself to chuckle. It was a game, a horrible fucking game and he always played along, what else would he do. But already she pretended as if nothing had happened, but he knew, his heart still seemed to pound heavily against his ribcage in anticipation of some sort of punishment. There wasn’t anything. She just took his hands and kissed him on the lips. Lee wanted to pull away, but Rachel deepened the kiss.</p>
<p>“Come on, let’s go back to bed. Unlike you, I have to work tomorrow.” Her tone became spiteful again.</p>
<p>Lee nodded awkwardly “I could go grocery shopping If you want.” He suggested, just as awkward. The truth was he wanted to get out of the house tomorrow.</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>“Lee…” Rachel sighed “You know we have to go together! Or else you’ll end up buying the wrong things!”</p>
<p>Yes, that had to be why. He didn’t want to question her exact reasoning, it was better to not question it. She knew best, she loved him. She even told him so before they went back to sleep. He wanted to say it as well, but she had already fallen asleep. He wanted to cuddle her, but she was keeping her distance. Of course, work. Rachel was the provider.</p>
<p>Lee turned his back to her and hugged his pillow for comfort, dreaming about Lucy.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lucy was wide awake in her bed, it was another one of these nights, one that she couldn’t describe. It was this loneliness. Ever since Lee had left three years ago, the flat had become empty and quiet aside from the occasional visitors and flings Lucy had. First, she thought she could get used to it! No more cleaning after Lee, or hearing his quips. But very quickly it went downhill, she missed him in a way she never missed anyone before. She couldn’t even get herself to rent out his room. It was still there completely untouched.</p>
<p>At least she wanted to talk to him sometimes, but whenever Lucy wrote she didn’t get a reply. Maybe he was so happy with Rachel that he had forgotten all about her, but wasn’t it too late to complain now? Lucy checked her phone, looking through the last few messages from years ago, the last message Lee had ever sent to her-</p>
<p>‘I’m sure it will be okay. See you someday soon :)!’</p>
<p>Then nothing.</p>
<p>No matter what she wrote afterwards, nothing had changed. She wanted to talk to someone, but most importantly she wanted to talk with Lee. Was he really happy with Rachel? She hoped at least, but then she thought back to the day Rachel and Lee tied the knot. The way he’d looked at her had confused her, it wasn’t happiness, it was… something she couldn’t describe, was it fear?</p>
<p>She wrote a quick ‘Hi’ to Lee and then put her cell phone back on her nightstand. She never imagined in a million years Lee would settle down and get married. Why wasn’t she happy?</p>
<p>Her cell phone ringing made her heart skip a beat, but disappointment set in when she saw that it was just Daisy. No, she shouldn’t be saying ‘just Daisy’. That was cruel.</p>
<p>“Hey Daisy,” Lucy said, sighing a bit exhausted.</p>
<p>“Lucy hey!” Daisy responded in her usual chipper manner. It kind of cheered her up.</p>
<p>“Wait-“ Lucy paused “Why are you calling me at this time anyway? I could’ve been asleep or something.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know really. I just got this strange feeling in my gut that I should ring you up and check on you! Or maybe I’m just hungry.”</p>
<p>Lucy chuckled a bit “I suppose that’s as good a reason as any.”</p>
<p>“Are you still thinking about Lee?”</p>
<p>The question came out of nowhere and Daisy sounded strangely serious “Sometimes. I mean he’s still my friend, isn’t he?”</p>
<p>“I think about him too sometimes.” Daisy admitted and fell silent again “I think about the fact that I introduced him to Rachel.”</p>
<p>Lucy swallowed a knot in her throat “I’m sure you did the right thing. Finding someone for him to settle down with.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. I haven’t heard from him in a while though.” Daisy admitted. Lucy swallowed another knot in her throat. So, it wasn’t just her though. She wondered if Tim also hadn’t heard from Lee in a while. “It’s a shame really because Rachel talks to me about him.”</p>
<p>Lucy sat up. This was news to her “Oh? What kind of stuff does she say?”</p>
<p>“Well, she tells me that she’s trying to train him up.”</p>
<p>“Huh.” Lucy chuckled “There’s no way she can do that. Lee’s not trainable. He’s a stubborn guy.”</p>
<p>That’s how she always remembered him: Defiant and stubborn. She smiled at the memory of that, how his ways would always get him into increasingly weirder situations. Maybe all of this, the whole marriage to Rachel came from that.</p>
<p>Damn it, why would she think that? He had to love Rachel, right? And here she was, trying to talk herself into thinking that wasn’t the case, for whatever reason.</p>
<p>“Maybe she’ll train him up to shower more often.” Daisy joked, causing Lucy to laugh softly.</p>
<p>“Maybe.”</p>
<p>The two talked for a bit before exhaustion took a thorough hold of Lucy and even Daisy admitted she was close to passing out from exhaustion. Lucy hung up, put her phone on the bedside table and sighed, before going back to sleep and hugging the pillow tightly.</p>
<p>She dreamt about Lee that night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Lee woke up, he was alone. Rachel had gone to work already and that meant the long wait had begun. Whenever she left for work Lee would be locked in the house. He could leave technically, but he didn’t dare go out without her permission. Instead, he turned on the TV just to have sound in the background, since the silence was nearly deafening and he needed the illusion of company.</p>
<p>While the TV droned on, he got out his cell phone, to play a few games, it was something to fill the time at least. That when he saw Lucy’s message from last night. It was just a simple ‘Hi’ but it made him smile none the less. It made him feel less alone and he wished he could respond. Well, he could try.</p>
<p>‘hi Luce’ he started typing but suddenly felt anxious. His mind started playing scenes of what would happen if Rachel found out that he wrote to Lucy, even if it was a simple greeting.</p>
<p>‘I can keep the phone close to myself’ he thought ‘She can’t look through it if I don’t give it to her.’ He paused again and stared at the screen ‘she’ll demand to see it.’ He read the message again ‘I can delete the chat afterwards.’</p>
<p>The house was so empty, unbearably empty. He had no one here, all he could hear was the TV, the rattling in the pipes and the beating of his heart.</p>
<p>Just this once. It’s been so long since he last spoke to Lucy.</p>
<p>Lee hit send.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 02.	Terrible silence falling down here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Our conversations are like minefields-<br/>No one's found a safe way through one yet</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Domestic Abuse can affect anyone. You are not alone.</p><p>https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/<br/>https://www.mankind.org.uk/<br/>https://www.thehotline.org/</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>02.	Terrible silence falling down here</p><p> </p><p>Lee stared at the screen of his mobile, immediately regretting his decision. The TV let out the canned laughter of a sitcom as if it was mocking him. He put the mobile away and turned off the TV.</p><p>‘It’s only a text message. It’s one text message. It’s-‘</p><p>An answer. At least he assumed it was an answer. He picked up the mobile and felt a smile on his face. Lucy had answered. It was a simple message, ‘Lee, great to hear from you!’ but it still made him feel warm inside. His hand held the mobile tight, his hand feeling a bit sweaty. He wanted to respond but didn't know what to write back to her. 'How about a cry for help?'</p><p>Another message, this time from Rachel 'who are you texting?' she asked. Lee sighed. Of course, he had an online status.</p><p>'No one important.' He shouldn't lie to Rachel, but it was better she didn’t know.</p><p>A response came almost immediately ‘liar.’</p><p>‘I swear I’m not talking to anyone important.’</p><p>‘I know you, Lee. Don’t lie to me.’</p><p>His mouth felt dry again. He had to keep lying ‘Rachel please believe me.’</p><p>There was no response for a while. During this moment of silence, Lee thought Rachel believed him and wouldn’t continue to question him. Then came a new message and he felt his heart sink ‘Okay. We’ll talk tonight.’<br/>
This was never a good sign. These talks would usually end in arguments and those arguments-</p><p>He had to stop being so paranoid. She only hurt him when she was angry and Lee knew so long as he was careful and toed the line nothing would happen to him. That also meant he had to stop writing Lucy now.</p><p>A new message, from Lucy ‘How are you?’</p><p>He thought about Rachel and put the phone away, sighing. It was silent again. Each creaking sounded like steps to him, he was holding his breath, in case he’d hear a door opening somewhere. Everything remained quiet though. He picked up the phone his, thumb hovering over the unlock button. He had to say something back, after all this time he dared to write to her, he couldn’t give up now.</p><p>‘I’m fine.’ He sent back and almost immediately a message from Rachel came. Lee didn’t want to open it; he knew it couldn’t be good. Almost immediately after the house phone rang, it had to be serious this time. He had no other choice but to pick up the phone.  shaking he walked to toward it and picked up. He didn’t even have a moment to say at least hello, “Who the fuck are you texting?!”</p><p>“Rachel, please calm down!”</p><p>“Okay. Okay.” He could hear her exhale “I’m calm. Who were you texting?”</p><p>“No one important.” He once again responded, trying not to sound nervous.</p><p>“You already said that!”</p><p>“Because it’s true!”</p><p>“Don’t you fucking yell at me.” Rachel immediately hissed, causing Lee to flinch.</p><p>“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to yell.” It was best to apologise to her, he didn’t want to argue with her.</p><p>“It was Lucy, wasn’t it?”</p><p>Lee felt his heart speed up a little. Shit, shit “I-“</p><p>“You just want to get off with her, don’t you?!”</p><p>“She’s my old friend Rachel, I can write to her if I want to!”</p><p>Silence.</p><p>“Not only have you been texting Lucy, but you’ve also lied to me as well?!” The anger in her voice was back now “Why would you do this to me? I thought you loved me!”</p><p>What the hell should he do now? Why did it always end up like this when they talked? “I’m sorry, I- I don't know… you told me not to write to Lucy anymore.”</p><p>“I didn’t. I never said that!”</p><p>“But I thought-“</p><p>“What kind of person do you think I am Lee?” She sounded upset now, her voice choked up “What do you think I am?”</p><p>Lee paused. He could’ve sworn Rachel had told him not to talk to Lucy because a married man wasn’t supposed to be friends with his former landlady. She would always burst into anger whenever he even so much mentioned Lucy. What was going on now? “I’m sorry.” That’s all he could do, apologies. Was he the bad one in this situation after all?</p><p>“I forgive you, Lee.” She responded with a sickly-sweet tone in her voice “I can’t wait to see you tonight.” And she hung up. Lee put the phone back and inhaled as deep as he could. He needed a moment right now to try and collect his thoughts, but nothing made sense to him. After this strange interaction, it was silent again, this deafening quiet only interrupted by the sounds of the house. The silence was what he needed now to soothe his nerves.</p><p>Why was he upset anyway? He upset Rachel if anything. His mobile vibrated, but he ignored it. Instead, he lied down on the couch, turned on the TV for background noise and closed his eyes. Fuck all this.</p><p> </p><p>Lucy stared at her mobile. It felt like a cruel joke. After all this time Lee finally gave a sign of life and then nothing. She wasn’t upset with him of course, that would be ridiculous, but there was a horrid feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew him, Lee was an extrovert, he wouldn't keep it at ‘hi Luce’ and ‘I’m fine’ and then nothing. She looked at the last message she sent him.</p><p>‘I’m so happy to know you still remember me!’</p><p>Part of Lucy didn’t think that it was because Lee forgot her though. There was something else, somehow he had changed in a way that she couldn’t analyse through text messages. She had to meet him in person to understand what was happening. She felt that pang in her chest when she thought of him and how he could be feeling right now. If they met again, she wondered, what would he be like? Who knows, maybe he had become more serious, she looked at her mobile again. Text messages were all she had now.</p><p>There was a new message from Daisy ‘Lucy, this is kinda weird. Rachel just wrote to me. She said I should tell you not to text Lee anymore. Dunno what this is supposed to mean :/’</p><p>At this moment Lucy could hear all alarm bells ringing in her head. ‘have you asked her why?’ she wrote back and waited, tapping her foot. She didn’t know too much about marriage but this didn’t feel right.</p><p>‘idk she didn’t tell me.’</p><p>Lucy sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. The alarm bells in her ears rang louder ‘it’s okay. I’ll keep my distance.’ Of course, it was a lie. She had to dig deeper, find out what was going on. Find out if that look in Lee’s eyes during his wedding, that glance that still haunted her, was fear. The silence in her flat seemed to change now. It had become thicker and more crushing, she felt like she was having trouble breathing.</p><p> </p><p>When Lee woke up, he had no idea what time it was. He knew that Rachel had arrived because she heard her steps and felt her presence drowning him out again. He didn’t move, he pretended to sleep in hopes that she would leave him alone.</p><p>“Lee, can you wake up please?”</p><p>‘Go away, for God’s sake, leave me alone.’</p><p>“I need to talk to you.”</p><p>He kept his eyes shut, but felt Rachel’s nails dig into his shoulders.</p><p>“I’m not asking anymore, Lee.”</p><p>He sighed and opened his eyes, trying to avoid her glare “I’m awake now, sorry.”</p><p>“Have you seriously been sleeping all day?” She asked.</p><p>“Our argument drained me a little.”</p><p>Rachel frowned “What argument?”</p><p>“Over the phone, didn’t we argue?”</p><p>She laughed a little bit. “You can hardly call this an argument, you were reprimanded a bit, you’re way too sensitive!”</p><p>Of course, it was his fault, he was too sensitive for his own good and took it all too personal. Rachel stared at him and he saw it, a spark of anger. This was all a front, wasn’t it? She was waiting for him to say the wrong thing, but not tonight, he wouldn’t give her this satisfaction “I’m sorry.” He said with a slight smile and stood up, to hug her.</p><p>“I still can’t believe you did nothing all day.” Rachel shook her head and stepped away from Lee, looking at him with an intense and direct glare. It was a challenge, he knew that. He had to manoeuvre his way through this metaphorical minefield.</p><p>“Well, there wasn’t anything to do.”</p><p>“Instead of doing something useful you texted Lucy all afternoon, I suppose.”</p><p>He was standing on a landmine “I’m sorry Rachel, I-“</p><p>“You can’t make yourself useful, but you can make up an excuse on the spot?”</p><p>If he made a wrong move, the landmine would blow up “Sorry-“</p><p>A hard smack across his face. The landmine blew up “Can you say anything else, except ‘sorry’?”</p><p>He didn’t respond. Her anger was gone though.</p><p>“Oh god, I didn’t mean to do this!” Rachel immediately said, the false remorse floating in her voice like oil in water. “I had a very hard day and work and then seeing you lay around and all annoyed me and-“</p><p>He was once again the bad one in this. Lee touched the spot where Rachel had slapped him, not knowing what to say. It still tingled and burned. “You hit me.” Lee finally said.</p><p>“I know.” She looked away from him “I swear I won’t do it again, I… I lost it, Lee, I lost it.” There were tears in her eyes. It’s difficult to adjust to someone whose emotional state was unpredictable. He knew exactly what she wanted.</p><p>He hugged her, as she cried silently.</p><p>After three years this didn’t get any easier or logical.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 03. Turn the volume up real high</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Tomorrow there is a party</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry it took so long to update.<br/>I've gotten a bit rusty.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Lee- oh my God, oh my God!”</p><p> </p><p>They were a sweaty heap on the bed, Lee and Rachel together in a passionate embrace. Passionate for her at least. To Lee, sex with her always felt mechanical. It was a machine-like rhythm and repetitive movements she had planned out for them. He might as well had been a different person there and as soon as it was over, she rolled off of him “That was fun.” She stated bluntly “I’m going to take a shower.” And she walked to the bathroom leaving him alone in the bedroom. He felt odd, he always felt odd when he and Rachel finished sex.</p><p> </p><p>‘Don’t be selfish.’ He thought ‘I had to make it up to her somehow. She's upset at me. I made her upset.’ It was alright now; it didn’t matter how he felt. So long as his wife was happy, he was happy as well. He forced a smile. Yes. Happy. He ignored the sudden numbness in his body and the lump in his throat. When Rachel returned, she kissed him.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you…” Lee whispered and waited for a reply.</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t say anything back.</p><p> </p><p>He had to check though, to make sure everything is okay “Are you still mad at me?”</p><p> </p><p>She looked at him and scoffed “Of course not.”</p><p> </p><p>Lee tried to hold her hand, tried to grab her arm, anything for a bit of affection “Do you love me as well?” Inside he cringed at how needy this came out. As Rachel lied down next to him, he cuddled up to her and she turned around and smiled.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, I do.” She responded, stroking his face with her thumb “Only I can love you, I’m your one and only.” Every single word sounded so good to him. It was a promise of affection, something he's desperate for. For a second it felt like they were a normal married couple, looking at one another with adoring eyes. Even if those instances felt more like rewards and not genuine. Lee didn’t care, he loved her too much to question it “I’m so sorry Lee, about what happened. I don’t know what came over me.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s alright.” He replied, “I shouldn’t have been such a prick.”</p><p> </p><p>At this Rachel smiled and kissed him again “I promise that I’ll better myself. I swear I’ll never hurt you again.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Rachel-“</p><p> </p><p>“Even if sometimes you piss me off beyond belief, I still love you.”</p><p> </p><p>Lee inhaled sharp and deep “Guess I’m lucky to have you then.” He said more to himself than her. A reminder of how wonderful everything is.</p><p> </p><p>“Good night,” Rachel whispered, closed her eyes and turned away.</p><p> </p><p>That was all, it seemed. Rachel had given him a spoonful of sugar. It was better than nothing. It felt nice to hear those promises though. It gave him hope that things would be better, that after everything Rachel would change.</p><p> </p><p>Next morning, she had left again without a word and Lee was alone on the empty bed. He got dressed and went through routine movements that Rachel programmed into him. The program put into through years of doing the same things every day. What would he do today? Probably sit around and watch TV unless Rachel called him and gave him some chores to do. That is married life to him. He still got out of bed and moved to the bathroom to take a quick warm shower. Lee felt dirty for some reason. Once that was taken care of, he caught a glimpse of himself in the foggy mirror.</p><p> </p><p>"You disgust me." Lee hissed at his reflection, that except for the towel around his waist, was naked. The bruises on his torso were starting to fade away, which brought him some comfort. But other marks remained. There were a couple of scars from the time Rachel had thrown objects at him. He tried to remember what they were; plates or something he guessed.</p><p> </p><p>Lee got dressed and sat on the couch, then turned on the TV and raised the volume to the fullest. It was loud and echoed throughout the whole house. But something was comforting about the way the TV was drowning out his thoughts. He wondered if he could turn up the TV volume to a point that it could drown out Rachel's yelling when he made her angry. Make it loud enough and it could be the only thing he could hear. Mute the world. Enter the beautiful land of Television make-belief. There getting punched wouldn't leave a mark. There the good people ended up with other good people.</p><p> </p><p>'I'm probably not a good person if I'm with her.' Lee thought with a sardonic smile. Not like anyone cared at all, right? He was alone.</p><p> </p><p>"Ha Ha Ha," Said the audience in the TV</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck you," Lee answered and turned it off. He didn't need their input. He saw his reflection in the black screen and once again he felt nothing but disgust "And fuck you too."</p><p> </p><p>Daisy was on her lunch break when she heard her mobile ring "Hello?" She asked, "Anyone there?"</p><p> </p><p>"It's me, Rachel!" Rachel announced over the phone "I'm calling to check up on you."</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, I'm alright. It's a slow day, but all is well." Daisy responded, "I'm eating a sandwich."</p><p> </p><p>"Sounds lovely." Rachel paused and Daisy got the feeling Rachel didn't care about her sandwich. "Daisy, there was something else!"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh?"</p><p> </p><p>"You see, there's going to be a little charity party tomorrow night and I wanted to ask if you'd wanna come."</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, that sounds great! Can I bring someone with me?"</p><p> </p><p>"Of course dear! The more the merrier."</p><p> </p><p>Daisy smiled a little. Who would be willing to go along here? Well, she could think of someone "Is Lee going to be there too?"</p><p> </p><p>"Do I have another choice? He's my husband after all and I need a bit of arm candy to show off." Rachel let out a giggle, which Daisy reciprocated, even if she didn't like the phrasing. In her mind this was all a big dumb joke anyway, Rachel couldn't think that way.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, alright then." Daisy nodded at her phone "I have to go now, my break is almost over! See you tomorrow night!"</p><p> </p><p>"Goodbye, dear!"</p><p> </p><p>Daisy hung up and looked at her contact list. Common sense dictated that the best person to invite was Lucy. If Rachel asked why the hell she had invited Lucy of all people, Daisy could feign ignorance. After all, everyone knew she wasn't the brightest crayon in the shed or something like that. No one would think she had planned this. </p><p> </p><p>Daisy dialled Lucy's number with a sly grin. "Hey Lucy, are you busy tomorrow night?"</p><p> </p><p>Supper time was always a bit of a quiet affair. Rachel would sit down and tell Lee about her day. Lee ate his food (Or what she allowed him to eat, she had him on a strict diet) and listened. But tonight she had something interesting to tell.</p><p> </p><p>"So! My workplace has organised a little charity do."</p><p> </p><p>"Sounds good." Lee briefly responded, shovelling a spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>"And you're coming too."</p><p> </p><p>He looked up "I don't know if I wanna come to be honest." Lee admitted awkwardly, not daring to look at Rachel in fear of what her reaction would be. She was silent for now, still eating which he guessed from the sound of fork and knife moving. Maybe he had to elaborate "It's your co-workers... They always look at me like I'm some kind of zoo animal and it's awkward for me every time."</p><p> </p><p>"Mh..."</p><p> </p><p>He felt nervous "And they always get so noisy and crowded. It's not my scene."</p><p> </p><p>"Funny. I don't remember giving you a choice." She said with a cold edge in her voice "You don't want to be seen with me. Is that it?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, not at all!" Lee immediately said, "You know how much I love you, Rachel-"</p><p> </p><p>She stood up and immediately walked over to him. Lee covered his face in fear. His entire body went into flight mode. 'She's going to hurt you' it said 'She's going to hurt you and it's your fault!' He felt how his left wrist was gripped, long sharp nails dug into his skin. His hand was moved away.</p><p> </p><p>Her free hand grabbed his chin and tilted his head upwards so he was forced to look at her face. He saw a smile that was hiding a wave of intense anger. It was there he could see it in her eyes "If you love me that much Lee, why do you keep making me angry?" Rachel asked.</p><p> </p><p>"I-I don't know..." He whimpered. His heart was beating so hard he felt like it was going to jump out of his chest and leave him dead. "You promised not to hurt me anymore Rachel! you promised-" Pleading like this made him sick, but it was the only option he had. Her hand was around his throat now. He should have known this was going to happen. He should've expected it from the beginning. </p><p> </p><p>She inched close to his face and grinned as she kept choking him "We're going to that party. You're going to dress up and look sharp. End of discussion. Do I make myself clear?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yes-" He croaked, but her grip became harder.</p><p> </p><p>"Tell me you love me!"</p><p> </p><p>Tears welled up in his eyes "I l-love you... I love you so much, Rachel."</p><p> </p><p>Finally, she let go "You know what? You've had enough to eat. Don't want you to get too fat. I need you to look good tomorrow."</p><p> </p><p>"Of course," Lee muttered. He felt like throwing up. He threw his dishes in the sink and when he walked past the TV he saw his reflection again.</p><p> </p><p>'You disgust me.'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 04: reunion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It wasn't as happy as Lucy had hoped.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's been a while. I hope it was worth the wait.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lee looked at himself in the mirror. His reflection was pale and seemed lost in the suit he was wearing. He hadn’t slept all night in anticipation of the party. Blue suit, black tie and white vest. But the blasted thing didn’t hide the marks on his neck. If he was lucky no one would ask. If someone asked, Rachel would have an explanation ready.</p>
<p>He practised a smile.</p>
<p>Rachel had played ‘good wife’ all day. She had brought him gifts: A fancy watch, flowers, chocolates. She had helped him clean the kitchen. They had laughed together and joked around! Maybe things would be okay!<br/>Lee fixed his tie a little bit and ran his hand through his hair. Everything would go fine. The door behind him opened and in stepped Rachel. She was dressed to the nines in a black cocktail dress, pumps and makeup that made her look like a different person, just like how she seemed different today. Rachel smiled and took his hand, stroking his cheek <br/>with her thumb.</p>
<p>“You look so handsome!” Rachel said, giving him a soft kiss.</p>
<p>Lee felt himself blush a little at the compliment, he didn’t know how to react. “Thanks!” he finally spoke, “you’re lovely too.”</p>
<p>She started fixing his tie a little “so, don’t forget about what I told you, love. Please no quips. I’d rather not be ridiculed in front of everyone.” Rachel explained, “you’re my bit of arm candy tonight, so sit still and look pretty.” Another kiss.</p>
<p>“Absolutely!”</p>
<p>“Good boy.”</p>
<p>Ah sweet approval, that’s what Lee had wanted. Her affection was the greatest gift. He was going to make her proud. He followed her down the stairs, smiling all the way. He was excited!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lucy looked at herself in the mirror, fixing her hair. She fidgeted awkwardly, Maybe she shouldn’t tag along, this didn’t seem to be a good idea. If she saw Lee, what would she tell him? Wouldn’t things get awkward?</p>
<p>She pinched the bridge of her nose.</p>
<p>Lucy was acting like they were exes. She’d greet him, they’d have small talk, she’d find out how he was doing. Lucy heard a knock on her door and she sighed “come in!”</p>
<p>Daisy peeked inside “can I come in?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Lucy fixed a bra strap peeking out from underneath her dress.</p>
<p>“I like that dress!” Daisy, who was curiously dressed like a pirate announced.</p>
<p>“Why are you wearing that?”</p>
<p>“Oh, isn’t it a fancy dress party?” she innocently inquired, tilting her head.</p>
<p>“No it’s just-“ she chuckled a bit “never mind. Want me to lend you something to wear?”</p>
<p>“No, it’s fine, I like my costume.” she explained, “who are you going as?”</p>
<p>Lucy shrugged “oh, no one special, really.” she admitted “just some random woman.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know where that’s from.”</p>
<p>But Lucy wasn’t listening anymore. She was trying her best to keep herself together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The drive to the party was quiet. Lee was looking out of the car while Rachel was driving and smoking a cigarette, with him occasionally coughing due to the smoke getting into his face. Rachel glared at him.</p>
<p>“Will you stop that?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Lee mumbled, opening the window.</p>
<p>“For God’s sake, close that!” she commanded. Lee inhaled. She had been in such a good mood, maybe he’d try his luck, just for once.</p>
<p>“Rachel, you know I don’t like it when you smoke.”</p>
<p>Her expression froze, a thin smile spread across her face. “Oh. Okay. No, it’s fine I totally understand. Imagine if I blew a casket every time you did something that bothered me!” Rachel laughed “that would be fucking pathetic wouldn’t it?”</p>
<p>Wrong move. Lee sighed and closed the window “sorry-”</p>
<p>But she couldn’t just leave it at that small victory, could she? With a condescending smile, Rachel added “good boy,” and leant over to kiss him on the cheek ‘accidentally putting the tip of her cigarette against his neck. It wasn’t long contact, but it was enough to make him jolt up.</p>
<p>“I told you I was sorry!” he protested. Rachel parked at the side of the road, seemingly panicked.</p>
<p>“Shit, what did I do?” she inspected the burn “Okay if anyone asks, it was an accident, okay?”</p>
<p>“What kinda accident would cause this?!”</p>
<p>“I don’t know! You provoked me, you come up with something!” she was shaking, but he didn’t know if it was due to regret or something else.</p>
<p>Lee checked himself in the rearview mirror. It was small, a red circle. Maybe if he pretended everything was okay, no one would question anything. He was fine. She didn’t mean to. Rachel never means to. The best he could do was forget about this accident.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lee and Rachel arrived at the party. Rachel had already returned to her chatty self, while Lee kept to himself, holding her hand. She’d occasionally joke around with other partygoers, how she beat the North out of him and how she was the one wearing the trousers.</p>
<p>Lee laughed along though. It was all just one big joke after all. He looked around for at least one familiar face but stopped when he could feel Rachel grab his wrist tightly. </p>
<p>“Can I go to the buffet?” Lee finally asked, looking for an excuse to get away from her. Rachel looked him over.</p>
<p>“Fine, but don’t gorge yourself, dear. Don’t want you too tubby.” She laughed and so did all her friends. Lee didn’t laugh. He got a paper plate, a few sandwiches and sat in the most far off corner he could find.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lucy had lost Daisy. Now, of course, how’d someone lose a woman dressed as a pirate was a mystery to her, but Daisy had run off to the dancefloor, leaving Lucy alone amongst strangers. She tried her best to find her, but it was impossible. People were drunk, dancing, laughing and having a good time.<br/>Not her though.</p>
<p>She was already prepared to vanish to the toilets when she finally saw someone she knew.</p>
<p>Lee.</p>
<p>Immediately Lucy made a beeline toward him, rehearsing in her mind over and over again what she would say, but when she finally reached the other her mind blanked. He didn’t look like himself. Lucy knew Lee. He was a big presence, making himself known to everyone, joking and laughing, getting in and out of trouble. </p>
<p>“Hey.” she finally said, smiling.</p>
<p>Lee looked up at her and she saw it: a small red mark on his neck.</p>
<p>“Cheers.” Lee finally said “what a surprise seeing you here.” he didn’t even sound like himself. He wasn’t snarky or deadpan. There was nothing in his voice, just this flat and exhausted monotone.</p>
<p>Lucy decided to grab a chair and sit down next to him “you look great, did you lose weight?”</p>
<p>Lee nodded, not looking at her.</p>
<p>“That’s… great.” more markings on his neck, barely hidden by the collar of his suit. It looked like someone had grabbed him there. Lucy lifted her hand to lift her bra strap again and noticed Lee flinching. She had to ask “are you alright?”</p>
<p>“It was an accident.”</p>
<p>“It doesn’t look like an accident. How can you accidentally get a cigarette burn? Or get choked out?”</p>
<p>“Look, it just was. Okay?”</p>
<p>She could see bruising on his wrist whenever the other moved his hand to eat.</p>
<p>“Are you sure everything is okay?”</p>
<p>No response, just a blank stare. She gently held his left hand and pulled back his sleeve. bruises. Scars, as if he had been attacked with a knife and had protected himself.</p>
<p>“Lucy-”</p>
<p>It didn’t take long for Lucy to put two and two together.</p>
<p>“Did Rachel do this to you?”</p>
<p>Lee’s eyes welled up with tears. Lucy had never seen him cry before. He was always such a happy guy. Always cheerful.</p>
<p>“It was my fault. I provoked her. Made her mad.” Lee responded and stood up “listen, Lucy, it was nice seeing you again but I have to go, I have to find Rachel, I can’t let her see us talking.”</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>Another blank stare “she’ll get mad.”</p>
<p>“Excuse me, you two?”</p>
<p>Lucy felt a cold shiver down her spine. It was Rachel with Daisy the happy oblivious pirate, in tow.</p>
<p>Lee stepped away from Lucy, looking at an unspecified spot on the floor.</p>
<p>“There you are, Lucy!” Daisy said happily “I was looking all over for you!”</p>
<p>“And I was looking for Lee,” Rachel announced, grabbing Lee’s arm just that bit too tightly, with him looking at Lucy, his expression a silent cry for help. She had to do something.</p>
<p>“Hey, come on, don’t grip him like that.” Lucy said, trying to sound like she was joking “you’ll cut off his circulation.”</p>
<p>She laughed. Daisy laughed as well. She possibly didn’t know what was happening “he’s not made of porcelain, dear.” Rachel explained, “I can’t possibly hurt him, look at him, he’s a whole head taller than me.”</p>
<p>Lee nodded in agreement.</p>
<p>“Doesn’t matter. We were just leaving anyway.”</p>
<p>“Oh really?” Daisy sounded disappointed “but we were having so much fun catching up!”</p>
<p>“Well, we’ll have to meet up some time then.” This was said angry, through her bared teeth, as her grip on Lee tightened “maybe have you over for tea or something.” and with that, she pulled Lee away.</p>
<p>Lucy felt her heart sink. She made it worse, hadn’t she?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“YOU FUCKER!”</p>
<p>A mug flew toward Lee as he pressed himself into a corner of the living room “YOU HAD ONE COMMAND TO FOLLOW! SIT STILL AND LOOK PRETTY!”</p>
<p>He didn’t even have the strength to argue, he kept protecting his face, listening to her storm through the kitchen and living room, shouting and cursing in anger.</p>
<p>“Why do I always have to end up being the bad guy? Why do I always end up having to be the angry one?” She asked, kneeling in front of him and yanking his arms from his face “tell me, Lee!”</p>
<p>What was he supposed to tell her? “Rachel, I’m tired.”</p>
<p>“Rachel I’m tired! Rachel, I’m this, Rachel I’m that! Why does it always have to be about you, YOU FUCKING PRECIOUS PRINCESS?” She stood up, stomped around again and inhaled sharply “do you think I enjoy this, Lee? Do you think this is fun for me?”</p>
<p>“No, no I don’t think so, no.”</p>
<p>She towered above him again “Then STOP! FUCKING! WITH! ME!”</p>
<p>“I’ll stop, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Rachel-” His voice was choked up, he felt like he couldn’t breathe “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” whatever he did, it was bad and it had made her angry. He wouldn’t do it again, whatever it was.</p>
<p>“Am I the one who always has to be the bad guy?!”</p>
<p>“No… no…” </p>
<p>A punch to his cheekbone left him dazed for a second that felt like an eternity.</p>
<p>“GO ON! TELL ME!”</p>
<p>“Yes! No! I don’t fucking know Rachel! I don’t know! Rachel!”</p>
<p>“You know what? Do what you want.” and she went away, still swearing and breaking things along the way. Lee walked weakly toward the couch, lied down and closed his eyes. He wouldn’t do it again. Tears streamed down his face, Lee started shaking. He thought of Lucy. Though of how gently she had taken his hand. How she was concerned for him. He didn't deserve that much kindness from anyone.</p>
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